Dan Cummins is a stand-up comedian who we're pretty sure has more than just one funny bone (possibly 3!). He's appeared on Comedy Central's Live at Gotham, The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, Last Comic Standing, and has starred in his own 30-minute special on Comedy Central's Comedy Central Presents.
Q: Your little known facts from your bio are nothing short of amazing -
You can talk to animals.
You can breathe underwater.
You can time travel.
All jesting aside (provided, naturally, you were indeed joking), if you were able to pick a "super power," what would it be?
DC: I was joking. Except for the first three things. I would pick flight. If I were slightly more perverted, I would pick invisibility, but, at this moment, the urge to fly wherever I want and/or shit on people below (fulfilling a deeply rooted and unfounded superiority complex) wins out over the urge to see the lady at the tanning salon in her birthday suit.
Q: When you tell a joke that bombs, do you ever ponder berating the audience for their denseness?
DC: I have ridiculed the audience before for not getting a joke, but I never feel good about doing so later. I tend to place the blame on myself for not properly conveying whatever message I'm trying to get out. However, if the audience doesn't get several of my jokes in a row, and I know I'm delivering them in the way they've worked with many other audiences, I will snap. I was inexplicably handpicked to do a private show for wealthy yacht club members in San Francisco, and, within about 15 minutes, over 150 people out of my audience of 200 had left. They hated all my jokes, and I hated them, and I let them know it.
Q: What has been your favorite and least favorite city to perform in?
DC: My favorite city has probably been New York; only because the only two shows I've ever done there were for Comedy Central tapings, and both seemed to go well. I don't really have a least favorite city, but, my least favorite week at a club was at the Improv in Miami. I ate it every single show. It quickly put an end to any future plans I may have formed about going to Cuba to perform there. The audience was about fifty percent Cuban every night, and every night, it seemed like 100% of them hated me. Awesome.
Q: Our office has been locked in a fierce debate over which is better: Facebook or MySpace. Can you please set us straight?
DC: MySpace for marketing, Facebook for real friends. I like the video player for MySpace, but I like the messaging features of Facebook. However, I'm not very good either, and if I wasn't a comic, I don't know if I'd even have a profile on either one. They're both time killers!
Q: Is having a new President who appears to be very competent actually bad for the joke writing community?
DC: Nah. Maybe bad for the impressions community, but, since impressionists aren't generally well received by the overall comedy community, giving them one less stale, overdone character to wear out on audiences is actually beneficial to the greater good. Maybe Obama can help more people make more money than Bush, and put more people in a happier place, which lends itself to more laughing.
Q: 2009 is just around the corner, what are your New Year's resolutions?
DC: I never know what to make. I'll probably try and be more patient with others in 2009, and be nicer. Maybe eat more vegetables. I don't know. Maybe I should resolve myself to be meaner and hate more people. It'd probably be better for my stand-up. Fuck vegetables.
Q: What's a topic so taboo that you wouldn't dare joke about?
DC: Oprah's vagina. Oh, and Jesus's butthole. Those are two subjects I've steered clear from.
(Editor's note: Simon was supposed to do a 10 question interview with Mr. Cummins, but forgot how to count to ten so Mr. Cummins helped him out.)
DC: Since there's no question here, I'll insert my own: Do you have any jokes about Jesus's butthole? No! I find being asked that very offensive. Please refer to question # 7.
Q: Where can fans keep up to date on all of your work?
DC: At DanCummins.tv, at MySpace.com/DanCummins, and on Facebook. Oh, and I have a bunch of content coming out on RoofTopComedy.com. And... you can vote for me in January at ComedyCentral.com for their "Stand Up Showdown."
Q: We end all interviews with word association. I say "wombat" and you say...
DC: Joseph Smith.