1) "I was just trying to be more like you."

2) "First I backed over my morals in my driveway and then I ran over my conscience about a mile down the road."

3) "Oh, I thought we were on the Hawaiian time zone. (If you live in Hawaii: Oh, I thought we were on the American Samoan time zone)."

4) "I thought it was bring your ‘Poor Career Habits to Work Day.'"

5) "It took me a while to escape the cops after that high-speed freeway chase. You should be thankful I'm only one hour late."

6) "Technically, I was on time, but I've been smoking pot in my car for the last half hour."

7) "It took a little longer to bang your wife than I thought it would."