I was just reading this amazing article about the Awembo tribe in Western Sudan. Their Chief was interviewed by a British reporter and he spoke of a tribal custom known as "ubunto." Essentially, ubunto is a "chanting ritual" where his people release all thoughts of unhappiness unto the heavens. They believe that when their negative thoughts and feelings are recited out loud, they can no longer possess power in their lives.

Common ubunto diatribes focus on poor crop growth or the death of loved ones, but I couldn't help but think about how this application may help us with the common trivialities that affect us here stateside.

So if you'll indulge me, here are 7 horrible thoughts that I would like to "ubunto," about.

1) Alex Trebeck must lose his larynx.

I am so tired of that smug bastard acting like he knows every answer (or if we're being technical, every "question"). Even Miley Cyrus could sound like a Rhodes Scholar with all the information at her disposal. So shove it Trebeck (before we get the real Sean Connery to make your life a living hell)!

2) Every kid on those "roller skate shoes" should fall and break both ankles.

You would think that with all that practice, those little curs would have achieved some level of proficiency, but no. They constantly bump into me and appear to be less stable than Lindsay Lohan at a "Free Cocaine" convention.

3) If we pass on the street, I will nod and say hello. If you look down at the ground and don't manage even a gurgle of a greeting, your face should burn off.

First off, the last time I checked, I do not look like Quasimodo, so don't look away. Secondly, I happen to know that Aphonia (the medical term for the inability to speak) is not spreading like H1N1. Therefore if I took the time to acknowledge you and fake a pleasantry, I expect the same ersatz commitment from you!

4) When you say "Happy Holidays," you're being a pussy.

"Generic tags" mar the beauty of individuality. It's wrong to force everyone to "play it safe" by having to honor every holiday practice at once. I'm Christian and I get a big kick out of wishing people "Merry Christmas." I'm not going to stop saying it or "clean up" the way I say it just because it may offend others. I don't want to be restricted and I don't want you to be either!

Are you Jewish? Fantastic! Go ahead and rip a "Happy Hanukah" my way! I'd love to hear it.

Are you black (notice I didn't say the PC version - African American because 1) If you're born in America, it should be understood that you're American. 2) We're all African if we go back far enough)? Break me off a "Joyful Kwanza." While you're at it, teach me more about the holiday since I'm a bit of a noob on the subject.

Are you an Atheist? Um, hit me up with a "Have a pleasant.....we're all going to die and rot for eternity," or whatever you say. By the way, think up a better tag line than the one I used.

5) Cats are soulless foragers.

If your dog had the choice between saving your life and eating a meal after he's been without food for 24 hours, you know you'd see tomorrow.

With your cat, I hope you have a good life insurance policy, because your family is going to be cashing it in shortly. Those little suckers just do not give a damn about anything other than their own friggin' whims (insert joke about ex-wives. No really, have at it). Those furry hellions are undeniably cute, but are also so mercurial, so self-serving, so apathetic that it's impossible to imagine them choosing their owners' salvation over that yummy can of wet food (also known as processed horse meat).

6) People who buy celebrity gossip magazines should be forced to commit hara-kiri with their purchase.

Please tell me why it matters that (vapid starlet X) is hooking up with (aging bad boy Y)? What the hell good does it do for us to know the peccadilloes and transgressions of those you'll never meet? Does it really make a difference whose body is "sizzling on the beach" or who has been liposuctioning themselves into oblivion?

There are so many breathtaking stories of honest, hard-working individuals that you'll never hear about because we've convinced the tabloids that we care more about the ebb and flow of celebrities than we do about the everyman and everywoman. Perhaps these subscribers are drowning out their own pathetic and meaningless excuses for a life with these vicarious jaunts, but I'd much rather they go drown themselves.

7) People who pronounce "picture" as "pitcher" need to be bludgeoned with a lead pipe.

Do know who has trouble pronouncing the letter C? There are only 3 possible answers - idiots, lazy speakers or victims of a stroke.

If you're the latter, my sympathy flows to you in great abundance.

If you happen to an idiot, I assume you come from inferior breeding and that lies solely with your parents (and by the way, how is the weather in the South this year?).

That leaves us with the lazy speakers. They tend to also be lazy people who can polish off endless bags of Doritos yet don't have the time to quite polish off their G.E.D. The gift of speech is an honor and not something to be crapped on because you're too ignorant to use it properly (much like your father and the handling of his "junk" on the night you were conceived.)

Lazy speakers are nearly as bad as horrible liars. Speaking of which, the "unbunto" stuff above is completely made up. I just wanted to bitch about some shit that gets on my nerves. Thank you!