1) Name: After Eight
Popular In: USA, Canada, UK, Ireland, South Africa, The Netherlands, Finland, Turkey, Germany and Poland.
Parent Company: Nestlé

Let's not kid ourselves with any pretensions of classiness due to a chronological designation. You're about to scarf down a candy bar, most likely by yourself, and then you're going to cry in the mirror about the haunting reality of your ever-expanding thighs.

2) Name: Chicken Dinner
Popular In: USA.
Parent Company: Sperry Candy Company.

Poultry flavored chocolate? Is there any question why this brand has been discontinued? I want to know who the hell came up with this idiotic naming decision, but more importantly, which customers perused the candy aisle and thought "Hmmm, I'm not interested in anything sweet, but a salty, generic meat taste would indeed satisfy me."

3) Name: Cuban Lunch
Popular In: Canada
Parent Company: Paulin's

Thankfully this brand was discontinued in the 70s. Apparently during that time it was cool in Canada to be offensive while satisfying the populous' sweet tooth. Can you imagine the outrage in the U.S. if Nestlé were to bust out something along the lines of Mexican Dinner?

4) Name: Forever Yours
Popular In: USA
Parent Company: Mars

Since redubbed Milky Way Midnight, I must ask why exactly did consumers need to feel this level of commitment from a small bar containing vanilla nougat, caramel, and enough saturated fat to eradicate a small pony?

5) Name: Bridge Mixture
Popular In: Canada
Parent Company: Hershey (originally Lowney's)

Another gem from our neighbors (or as they say, neighbours) from the north. This allegedly tasty morsel was an "assortment of chocolate coated confectionery." More accurately, it sounds like the leftover product they didn't sell smushed into a chocolaty block. Mmmm, nothing tastes as good as semi-spoiled sweets.

6) Name: Nut Lovers
Popular In: USA
Parent Company: Hershey

C'mon! Really? Call it sophomoric, but am I the only one that hears this name and then makes the connection with someone who adores another guy's sack? Honestly, don't you?

Just a little?

Liar!

7) Name: Happy Hippo
Popular In: The UK, Germany and Ireland
Parent Company: Ferrero

Neither lions nor crocodiles are the biggest killer of humans in Africa. The deadliest animal on The Lost Continent is actually the Hippopotamus (Hungry, Hungry Hippos indeed). If you hearken back to your last excursion to the zoo, you'll also recall that these bastards do not appear at all happy (bloated and overheated, yes, but not joyful).

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to consume a Whatchamacallit. Y'know, that's actually another horrible name since one doesn't need to ponder what to call something if it already has a name. Dammit, looks like I may need to start another list.