1) Crazy Cow - General Mills (1970s)
I've got a strong feeling they wouldn't be able to roll with this title now... unless they want to stock it next to "Ebola-Os" or "Spoonful of SARS."

2) O.J's - Kellogg's (1980s)
Hmm, who could endorse this one if it were released today? I'm trying to think of a celebrity with those initials. Damn it, I'm stumped.

3) Circus Fun - General Mills (Late 1980s)
There is nothing fun about a circus unless you adore the smell of damp piss and take pleasure in the unstoppable eeriness of clowns. Perhaps in the circus' halcyon days of the eighties this title was cool, but those days are long gone.

4) Mr. Wonderfull's Surprize - General Mills (1970s)
I love this oddly gangsta' title for the 1970s. Who would be the mascot for this morning feast if they released it today? I'm thinking it would be a gangbanger with iced-out grillz. As for the surprise, I'm thinking it would show up in your womb about a month later.

5) Smurf Berry Crunch - Post Cereals 1983)
Growing up, this is one cereal I didn't need/want to add sugar to. Think about that for a second. That sucker must have been loaded with ungodly amounts of the sweet stuff! A small child not clamoring for more glucose is as likely as a porn star turning down a one-night stand.

On a side note, the cereal also turned your milk instantly pink (and I'm sure it also probably liquefied your kidneys on contact).

6) Yummy Mummy - General Mills (1987-1992)
Apparently marketed toward parents who were tired of feeding their child cereal laced with preservatives (they could instead feed them a preserved cadaver). I tried this one as a kid and I think I would have truly preferred chewing on sarcophagus remnants.

7) Undercover Bears - General Mills (1990-1991)
This extremely short-lived concoction was a warm cereal that contained hidden gummy bears (when heated up, the bruins popped to the surface). This is possibly one of the coolest breakfast ideas I've ever heard! How the hell did this not become HUGE?

I now have my 3 Biggest Preventable Travesties of the 90's:

1) Kurt Cobain's suicide.

2) The US Postal Service picking the "Skinny Elvis" stamp over the far more hilarious portly version.

3) Undercover Bears not becoming THE breakfast choice of millions.