1) You pray for a zombie invasion so that the lines at KFC wouldn't be so long.

2) Your bathroom scale is suing you for "Alienation of Affection."

3) You think taking a "healthy dump" constitutes being healthy.

4) Kirstie Alley saw you on the street and chirped "Well, at least I don't look as fat as her."

5) "The Biggest Loser" rejected your audition tape after declaring "We don't accept manatees."

6) You nearly cannibalized yourself after accidentally spilling syrup on your hand.

7) You became winded just reading this article.