1) No sexting after 9:00 PM.

2) No running with scissors, unless your sister really pissed you off.

3) If you view internet pornography, you must wash your hands afterward.

4) No sex in the house unless you use condoms that are ribbed for her pleasure.

5) When doing dishes all plates must be licked clean.

6) No smoking in the living room, unless you wear a smoker's jacket.

7) If you don't finish your vegetables we will let Uncle Ernie "play Doctor" with you.