1) "Crack might be wack, but snorting candy is dandy." - Whitney Houston

2) "I once slept with Derek Jeter. At least, I think it was Derek Jeter. Jeter is a short balding man from Guadalupe, right?" - Courtney Love

3) "Newton was a douche. ‘Oh, an apple fell, I'm so smart.' Yeah, but did you see that bomb that fell on Japan? Suck on it Newton!" - Albert Einstein

4) "The hardest part about the moon-landing mission? Being stuck with Buzz Aldrin in a tiny capsule. That man had the worst gas ever." - Neil Armstrong

5) "I've never seen a banana that didn't make me giggle a little." - Paris Hilton

6) "If cats really have nine lives, then why did I only have to shoot one three times before it stopped moving?" - Michael Vick

7) "Sometimes when I watch A League of Their Own and I see Madonna I think, ‘I could've tapped that.'" - Rosie O'Donnell