1) "Mom's food is so bad that an Ethiopian would feign being ‘Too stuffed to eat.'"

2) "This gathering would be so much better if Hitler were with us."

3) "Aunt Laura's newborn is so ugly that I had to punch it to make sure it wasn't dead."

4) "Damn, this cranberry sauce tastes worse than a yak's vagina."

5) "Is it me, or does Grandpa have an I.Q. that's smaller than a mouse's nut sack?"

6) "Who does a guy gotta blow around here in order to get more pumpkin pie?"

7) "This is probably a bad time to tell everyone that Dad's been cheating on Mom with Uncle Dave."