1) "I promise to treat you better than any other hooker in my life."

2) "You will always come first in my life, just behind my mother."

3) "I promise that if you get fat I will hide the chocolate."

4) "I will love, honor, and obey you at least 8 hours a day. Preferably between 11 p.m and 7 a.m."

5) "I promise that if you service my needs daily I will take out the trash every other Tuesday."

6) "I promise to give you BJs every day, NOT!"

7) "I promise to treat our kids better than the three illegitimate ones that I never acknowledge."