1) Tell her that she looks like she's getting fat and should probably take a pregnancy test.

2) Tell her that she acts just like her mother.

3) Ask her if she'd like to look at naked photos of your ex.

4) Buy her a gift card for Valentine's Day.

5) Tell her that the reason the two of you don't make love more often is because doing it with her makes you want to vomit.

6) Sign her birthday card with just your name and no handwritten message.

7) Call her another woman's name while making love.