Growing up I treasured my He-Man and The Masters of the Universe action figures. These plastic marvels were bigger than G.I. Joes, more feature-rich than Star Wars figures and could stand much more of a pounding than Transformers.
Taking a recent stroll down nostalgia lane, I spotted all these tiny warriors for sale on the internet and couldn't help but feel a warm and fuzzy feeling of tranquility dance through my cerebellum. It wasn't soon after that my blissful haze was interrupted by recollections of the He-Man toys that were botched, misconceived or just a complete snore fest.
1) Evil-Lyn - First off, I love the name. Don't you wish everyone identified himself or herself so clearly in your life? Let's say your new boss' name is Asshole Bob. It's no wonder he's been imposing impossible deadlines on you - he is after all Asshole Bob. How about your new girlfriend Frigid-Kimberly?
The simple fact is that female action figures were never as much fun to play with as their male counterparts. I think the answer behind that truism is twofold:
1) Due to most sexist male upbringings, we think of females as much weaker and ergo less apt for ass kicking. How is ‘Lyn possibly going to withstand the awesome onslaught of Man-O-Arms? It ain't happening. And if you're thinking that she'd use her magic as keenly as she did in the pilot episode of the cartoon series Diamond Ray of Disappearance, then I'd say you are truly a super dork for having that much information at the ready (I had to look up the episode name on Wikipedia ... I swear).
2) Even at the most tender of ages, most young boys are also taught that it's wrong to hit girls and that transcended into our toy play. So if these plastic lasses aren't skirmishing, what do you wind up doing with the girl figures? Mine actually became "girlfriends" to my male toys. It should also be noted that they dated heavily despite any perceived good vs. evil affiliations (e.g. my Princess Lea went on countless "trysts" with Darth Vader. This became rather disturbing to me in retrospect after their relationship was established in Return of the Jedi.). (Spoiler Alert: for anyone who has been stuck in a cave for the last 40 years: He's her Dad.)
2) Faker - This figure was just ... (wait for it) ... the original He-Man painted blue. That's it! This toy must have been wholly cost-efficient for Mattel, "No need to create a new mold to cast, we'll just dip ol' He-Man in some blue goop." And if you're wondering despite this dull premise if children still took the hook, you bet we did (I owned one just like every other kid on my block).
3) Buzz-Off - Even as a child I realized that only stringent weightlifting habits could produce chiseled physiques made for battle (little did I realize that steroids actually were more of the key to it, but that's another discussion). So check out the guns on this dude (or shall I say "insect dude" if were being entirely technical/objective?).
Now check out the fact that he doesn't have hands but instead insect claws. How the eff is he gripping the bars for his bench presses? Exactly.
4) Ninjor - This guy was a huge disappointment. He wasn't even a cool looking ninja (more like a dumb-ass in a burka). Apparently it was acceptable in the eighties to plop any ninja title on an action figure and watch as the mindless hordes of prepubescents clamored for it.
5) Two-Bad - More top heavy than Kim Kardashian turned upside down, this two-headed creature was impossible to get to stand up for any small duration without tipping over. It was damn frustrating to have my Skeletor bark out his grandiose plans for mayhem while this tool kept tipping over. He quickly wound up in my "dumb toys that I never played with" pile, right next to those rip-off Voltron robots.
6) Stinkor - What happens when you mix patchouli oil and plastic? If you guessed the brand-new Grateful Dead Platinum Visa, you're wrong. The answer is the Stinkor action figure! It was rather hilarious in concept that this character's stench is so bad that even he has to wear a mask to hide his repugnant smell, but the problem is that the friggin' thing was so ripe that no kid actually wanted to play with it. Mine just sat in the corner bathing in his own repugnant fumes.
7) Fisto - Talk about a joke writing itself. But firstly, what's with the ludicrously lame moniker? Does that mean if he had a cool boot on his foot he would be Footo?
Now I'll let you add in your sophomoric/homophobic references here, but to get you started, not only does he have a porn stash, he has a porn beard, his pants are tighter than a bullfrog's ass and HIS NAME IS FISTO. You're welcome.