1) It’s not gay if you only do it to get out of a parking ticket.

2) It’s not gay if you’re thinking of Martha Stewart while you do it.

3) It’s not gay if you’ve been shaking it like a salt shaker all night long.

4) It’s not gay if it’s with a dead person.

5) It’s not gay if you call him “Mary” while you’re doing it.

6) It’s not gay if you jack off to Swedish male porn.

7) It’s not gay if it’s your first time.